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Insanity is Hereditary, You Get it From Your Spouse

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By Joe Novak

Some days I think my wife is trying to drive me insane; my friend says it’s not a drive, just a short putt and he may be correct.

Do all women get stranger (I mean that in a sympathetic, concerned way) as they age? I will state a few examples: I was driving out of Mark’s in Painesville as a gaggle of geese started crossing the driveway. My wife shouts, “Look out!” as if some tragedy was about to strike and death was imminent. The geese were 100 feet away and I would have stopped in plenty of time, cursing those flying toilets as they crossed in front of us with little regard for my sanity.

I responded with, “Why do you do that? Are you trying to put me in an early grave?” “Well I didn’t think you saw them,” was her response. It was the same response she had when she warned me about the fire truck. You know, that big red thing with a million flashing lights and ear piercing sirens that she was certain I had not seen.

Another thing she does is sneak up on me and startles the bejeebers (my nice word for something you flush) out of me, then exclaims that she had no idea I was so easily frightened. She also talks in the opposite direction two rooms away, assuming that I can understand what she is saying and who she is talking to. My reaction is just ignoring her after which she confronts me and accuses me of ignoring her which I plead innocent to; turnaround is fair play.

I cook, she cleans; this has worked for 31 years of marriage, however she now puts the kitchen utensils where she wants, not where they belong. “Just look around, you’ll find it,” she exclaims in her nonchalant way.

She has a number of good qualities and that is why I keep her; along with the fact that training another one to put up with my idiosyncrasies (“idiotsyncrazies” according to her) may be nearly impossible.

I think I am starting to understand why the husbands usually die before their spouses. They want to!  This is a statistical fact; just look at the obituaries; Mr. Jones proceeded his wife in death. This is repeated over and over again because it is true, only the names change.  Women live an average of five years longer than their husbands. God can be kind, knowing when to put us out of our misery!

My only recourse is to start writing my obituary. Joe Novak proceeded his wife in death unexpectedly after crying out; “Lord please take me now!”

To find out what Joe would do, e-mail questions to editorial@middlefieldpost.com. Joe has 20-some years experience in manufacturing and says that as a small business owner, he found that you either learn how to solve a problem yourself or pay to have it done. Joe’s articles are his opinion and are only intended as a guide. Please consult an expert when in doubt.

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