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Does Anyone Know What Day It Is?


By Joe Novak

I haven’t been to church services for more than a month due to the Covid19 virus and I no longer know what day it is. Last week I accidentally went grocery shopping on a Saturday; something I avoid like a plague or in today’s world like a Chinese virus. I don’t want to say anything derogatory about Saturday shoppers but they are “different” then the weekday shoppers but I can’t put my finger on why!

Being a Catholic, I am required to attend Church on Sunday and I think this rule has extenuating benefits; it helps me keep track of the days of the week; that was true until the Governor shut all gatherings down. Using deductive reasoning; I must assume that atheists have no clue what day of the week it is unless they have an Atheist calendar that has every Sunday blocked out. 

It gets a bit weird when I start using deductive reasoning, presumptive reasoning or Logic to navigate through life; and yes they teach “Logic” in college and no I never took that class. I prefer to use “Joe’s theory of irrelevancy” to explain what is going on around me; explaining my thoughts however would be more complex than explaining Einstein’s theory of relativity…..I am just saying!

As I am writing this it just dawned on me why my neighbor down our street, Phil Hairfort enjoys texting with me; he is some kind of a computer scientist or super mathematician with degrees in most things I can’t even spell. I am certain he is totally aware of Einstein’s theory and can explain it to his peers but I am at a loss when it comes to understanding exactly what he does for a living or his fascination with printing presses and Bos Taurus (domestic cows). 

I changed his name to Phil from Jon to protect the guilty; I am certain he is guilty of breaking some HOA rule but I will let the next HOA president deal with those issues. I will blame social distancing from not allowing me to gather all the facts and leave it at that.

I am certain Jon; I meant Phil, tells his wife; “I just told Joe how I wrote this algorithm that aligns newspaper presses so that all the noses on people’s faces line up with the colors being printed; and guess what; he pretended to know what I was talking about; imagine that!”  

 I would like to believe I have a talent for dealing with people from all walks of life; from Rocket scientists to Bubba the tire installer down at the filling station. What do Bubba and I have in Common? He doesn’t know what day it is either; not because he doesn’t attend church but because he uses a pin-up calendar from 1989. Using deductive reasoning, I assume he is infatuated with the girl on the cover that is not real but an artist’s rendering; and you thought I was messed up! 

This article and my ramblings prove that man should not be quarantined for too long of a time without some social interaction. Yes my wife still talks to me however the cat ignores me completely; I don’t think he is happy with me spending so much time keeping an eye on him.

Copyright © Joe Novak 4/23/20    


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